Here’s what guys are really looking for (but won’t—or can’t tell you)!
As most women have noticed, there are two types of men:
Behind curtain #1 is the type of guy who is absolutely smitten with his girlfriend — he puts her on a pedestal, treats her like a queen, and places her happiness above his own. And behind curtain #2 is the type who’s labeled as a “commitment-phobe” — he doesn’t appear to enjoy being in a relationship, acting as if his commitment is of the involuntary kind.
But while most women think that the second type of guy is in the majority, statistics actually say otherwise.
In fact, a 2013 study found that 95 percent of men openly admit to seeing marriage as one of their ultimate life goals.
It all comes down to how a man views commitment. To a guy, it’s like cracking a combination lock; if the numbers don’t line up, he’ll be emotionally distant and unavailable, rather than all in. He might even come up with several one-liner excuses that women undoubtedly find frustrating: “I need to focus on my career,” “I just need space,” or, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.”
But these one-liners aren’t lies. He really believes what he’s saying because the “numbers” of his commitment code aren’t lining up.
In other words, when he says, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” what he really means is, “I’m just not ready for a relationship with you.”
When he finally comes across that one woman who creates the right sequence of “numbers” to unlock his commitment combination, he’ll feel compelled to hang onto her. He’ll commit because he doesn’t want to risk losing her.
So, now we know commitment isn’t some sort of man allergy. What you have to do is learn how to crack his commitment code.
Easier said than done, of course, considering the average man isn’t great at communicating his emotional needs. That’s where I come in!
Here are five things guys (won’t tell you they) need before they’ll commit
1. He needs you to desire him
One of the keys to learning how to make your man happy is basic, animalistic desire. In the pit of his stomach, he needs to want you, long for you, yearn for you. He needs to miss you when you’re not around and he needs to feel a pang of lust when he hasn’t seen you for some time.
This desire is created through the play of opposites. He’ll crave you and then he catches you; he’ll miss you and then falls into you; he’ll lust for you and then you’ll surrender to him. It’s the creating and the release of tension over and over again.
The way you create this tension is through your sexuality — tease him and then give in, playfully run from him and then allow him to capture you, add levity and spontaneity to his life, give him lustful stares and then leave the room, send him sexy notes during the day, grab him and kiss him unexpectedly. In summation, use your powerful feminine qualities to contrast his serious and calculated masculine nature.
2. He needs your respect
Respect is a cardinal virtue; it is the foundation of any relationship that endures and stands the test of time. Respect can help re-ignite a relationship long after the flame of love and lust has sputtered. Many men marry the woman who respects him, even over the woman who loves him.
Men may sleep with, talk to, and care about the woman they love (and lust), but often love only isn’t all they need.
A lot of this has to do with the term “I love you.” To a man and a woman, this term can have different meanings. A man may interpret it as “don’t hurt me” or even “you’re trapped.” Men see the love from a woman as more of a commodity than something novel.
Of course, the words make him feel good when he hears them, but they don’t sing to his soul. Men have crippling inadequacies they silently battle their entire lives.
So, figure out why you respect your man. What are you proud of him for? What can you acknowledge him for? How can you make him feel good about himself? Then, tell him. Don’t tell him merely that you love him, tell him why you love him.
Another way to express your respect is to apologize when you’ve made a mistake or said something wrong. You (and he) must make the relationship more important than individual egos. When he knows you respect his character, he will let you in deeper, exposing other tender parts of his soul where he needs healing and support.
3. He needs to feel emotionally safe
The third thing to keep in mind when learning how to keep your man happy is his emotional health. By surrendering your anger, bitterness, or any resentment you have toward him, you give him safe passage to be vulnerable.
This happens through you trusting him. And then, he can trust you. You both allow yourself to be vulnerable and that helps a relationship work. But for this vulnerability to take off, women typically must be the initiators. Men are looking for someone to lead them into the vulnerable abyss.
It is a woman’s courage to open up and let down her guard that inspires men to lay down their psychological shields and relax.
So how do you do this? Well, it helps by learning how men think. He has to know that you won’t judge or criticize him. He needs to feel supported, accepted, and encouraged that you are on his side. He needs to know that you won’t tell your friends or (worse) your mother about any mistakes he makes. He needs to know that you’ll stand up for him when others say bad things about him. He needs to know that you’ll confront any injustices or problems head on.
4. He needs you to challenge him
At the core of every man is challenge. Men grow through challenge. Challenge speaks to the part of their masculinity that innately makes them want to conquer and win. Challenge is the path men take to attain success, which ultimately makes them feel respected.
In a nutshell, it really comes down to having a strong sense of your own values — knowing what is important to you and standing by it. This creates the challenge that strengthens the relationship. Another element of this challenge is being able to confront a man when you feel like those values are compromised.
This may require you confronting him when you think he owes you an apology, rather than letting it fall by the wayside. When you can confront him, he’ll find you incredibly attractive. Even if his first reaction is anger, the fact that you can stand up to him will change the way he looks at you. It will challenge him to be a better man.
5. He needs to feel awe and wonder.
The final step in learning how to keep your man happy is good, old-fashioned excitement. Even acting a little crazy is a good thing; crazy, not insane — skinny-dipping in the ocean is good, but faking your own kidnapping because he’s been working too late is not.
All too often, women are taught to feel bad about being emotional, feeling ‘crazy,’ and acting unpredictable. But these feminine qualities are actually attractive to men. Thus, embrace your femininity and allow it to enliven your relationship. This can help a man fall deeper and deeper in love with you.
When you embody your instinctual feminine nature, you create the space for him to say things like —”There is just something about her that I love.”
Summing up the codes is simple: Keep these tips in mind when you’re looking for ways on how to keep your man happy:
- Look for areas where you can be more sexual, playful, and teasing.
- Find ways to acknowledge him for things he does that may go unnoticed.
- Be proud of him for something that matters.
- Trust yourself that you are strong enough to let down your guard around him, because when you do, the two of you can be real with one another.
- Challenge yourself by standing by your values in life.
- Be yourself; be who you’re meant to be.
You don’t need to think like a man to be successful with men, and you don’t need to hide your femininity to have a working relationship.
Let it out, be crazy, be dramatic, and have fun. Own it. He’ll love you more for it.